Two days ago I’ ve asked myself why I am still here? After all the turbulences with my blog and the technical background behind it. Domain problems, new name and design, one very annoying person later who made me completely insane while I was pregnant. A person who made such a mess at Dots & Stripes and got paid for it, ’cause as I said and read yesterday:
It is intelligent to be nice. – N. Bolz
(and professional may I add)
After one tumor, a wound that has ‘healed’, yet I feel that scar every day and night and morning. After countless hours in tears and despair. After an application at an online magazine and the feedback that I am not good enough- Why am I still here? Why didn’t I let go? Why not quit and spend my hours with my daughter & husband without thinking what to write next, while driving myself insane because I am lazy and not doing enough. Why, why, why am I on that rat wheel, running without being aware why I am really here.
So I dived into my silence, thoughts, analyzed carefully and finally rewinded to that very humble beginning of mine. I wanted to express myself and just let out whats inside of me. I wanted to show what impresses me and share my opinion on things or situations I have experienced in order to maybe help someone within their own reflections & decisions. I wanted to channel my inner voice which has been stuck inside of me, making me sick and dead. A loud voice without that awful shame of mine that pulls me up and freezes me. It was actually somehow a self challenge because that shame is still here, becoming louder with every year passing by. It is very healing that I have remembered how it all started, helping me to understand me a bit better. All the complications I went through are therefore necessary and the new name CHInspire (though I didn’t want it at all) more than appropriate. Slowly connecting that dots of mine into a puzzle worth writing about.
I am saying Hello! I’m CHI and I am here (in best case) to CHInspire you. I am not better than you but also not worse that anyone. I am thankful for everything until now and open (also very curios) for what is coming. Feeling aware & alive.